I miss it.

I'm sure many of you remember when my Grandma was in the Hospital. She's okay now, she doesn't love her new facility, and I hope we can get that figured out. But this blog post isn't about her... but in some ways, it also concerns her 100%.

When she was in the Hospital, some ugly stuff went down. Some stuff that I am not proud of, some stuff that if I met a genie, one of my three wishes would be to erase that awful memory for everyone concerned. You see, as I wrote here, everyone in my family loves my Grandma. We would all do anything for her. However, in the kind of big family we have, not everyone agrees on everything.

As for what went down at the Hospital, everyone got in an argument. A big, heated, passionate, lots of f-words thrown around... Argument. The kind of argument that cannot just be taken back, and the kind of argument that shouldn't be ignored. I don't want to get into the he-saids and she-saids of the argument that happened in June. What I do want to get into is how sad it makes me feel that I haven't spoken to any of those people since that day. I haven't spoken to those people that I love, people that are part of my family.. and are part of me.

In our family, there has always been some interesting family dynamics. Some of my dad's siblings are closer to each other than others, and slowly, over the last 5 or so years there have been "battle lines" kind of drawn. Which is HORRIBLE, and I hate it. But I really just kind of accepted it as it was.. but why? I hate that I accepted it. I hate that we all accepted it. And I don't want to accept it anymore.

Before my Grandma was taken to the Hospital in June, I felt like we were making progress. I felt like we were getting to know each other again, and that the walls were slowly coming down. Now everyone has built fortresses around themselves, and I'm not sure any of us will ever be able to cross over, and make it better again. The worst part of it all is that it is affecting my Grandma. My Grandma is not getting the visits, phone calls, and attention that she deserves because of the drama that is ensuing. This hurts me the most. You can hate me, you can hate my dad, my family, whatever; but when you don't pay attention to your mom/grandma because of something she had no control over, I cannot stand it.

I was watching CNN the other day and I saw a story about a brother that donated a piece of his liver to his brother. He gave it willingly, and without question. They interviewed him before hand, and he was adamant that him and his brother were going to be friends forever, and go on living because of this gift that he was giving him. He was giving his brother the gift of life. The brother that donated passed away. He DIED so his brother could LIVE. The story in itself, made me sad, how awful is that?

But as I watched it.. I thought about my family. I would give my liver, kidney, whatever to anyone in my family. I would give it to the people that are not talking to me, willingly. I wouldn't want anything in return. I would just want them to continue living, because they lead happy fulfilling lives, and their families count on them, and most of all.. Because I LOVE them. And, call me stupid or naive, but I believe that if I were in the same situation, they would do the same for me. 100%.

So, if we would risk our own lives for each other, why can't we even speak? I know it's not simple, and I know that it can't be fixed in one day... but I miss my family. I miss my aunts and uncles, my cousins, I miss the laughs and the stories. Some of my very favorite memories involve these people. My uncle making cheese eggs, and listening to "Check Yes or No" on repeat, watching soap operas and Bon Jovi with super buttery popcorn with my aunt.. Hanging out with my cousins on my Grandma's tramp.. or searching for "snipes" for my uncle.  And the best of all, Breakfasts in the Canyons, Fourth of July Breakfasts, and Grandma passing mints around at Christmas. I miss it.

One of my friends even said to me, that I was LUCKY that we were having this kind of problem. She said that if we didn't care.. we wouldn't have such arguments.

We've all made mistakes. We all need to apologize. And, we all need to forgive. I just hope we can make it back to each other before my Grandma leaves this Earth. And I pray I'm not the only one that thinks all the work will be worth it.

Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted.

                       ~Paul Pearshall

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Amazed. Infuriated. Pissed. Helpless.

Last night as I started to get into my pajamas, took an 800mg ibuprofen for my mouth, and was just going to get settled into my bed. My mom came down the stairs to let me know that my Grandma's nursing home had completely messed up, to no other. I'm still in amazement, like its some sort of bad dream. What the HELL?!

Come to find out what happened is she was given someone else's pills, with the same first name. My grandma is NOT a pain patient, she is not a hospice patient, the only reason she was really in the stupid effing home was because we wanted her to be safe. We TRUSTED the facility to be able to care for her well being, so that she wouldn't fall, and so her medication could be on a set administration schedule. That trust is completely obliterated. But despite her not being a hospice patient, she was given a HUGE dose of extended release morphine tablets, along with two different types of anti seizure medications. She doesn't have seizures - and even then, the doses she was given are NOT okay for an elderly patient in the first place. Shit.

I am now sitting on the computer in the waiting room, competely in amazement. This is my worst nightmare.

She is slowly coming around. She has been on a breathing machine, with a scuba-diver looking mask, and an anti narco drip. She still recognizes us, and understands, or at least she does now, for the last few hours. Just competely confused on what the hell is going on. I think as soon as she truly realizes what happened, and gets her gusto back, you aren't going to want to hear them fighting expletives that will be coming out of her mouth.

I love you Grandma!

But you have to get better so we can DANCE!!

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Happy Birthday to one of my favorite people!

Happy Birthday Grandma!

Things I love about Grandma Jeaner..

• When she acts "tough"
• But I love when she gets emotional, and shows she's all soft inside
• SO many good memories with her - she made every Holiday special
• Fernwood Mints on Christmas :)
• Home made strawberry ice cream
• Yummy buttery rolls full of goodness
• That time that she peed her pants at Arby's.. will make me giggle forever
• Her love for Jennifer Aniston and Julia Roberts
• Watching sappy lovey movies with her
• How big her smile gets when she talks about Mamma Mia
• Her itsy bitsy perfect handwriting
• So stinkin Stubborn - I love it.
• She's been to almost every one of mine and my siblings sporting events, or dance and school performances - she's one of our personal cheerleaders
• All of her funny sayings "I see.. said the blindman, as he picked up his hammer and saw" ~ and the fact that I didn't REALLY understand this until many years after she had engraved it into my brain

I love you Grandma!

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I LOVE YOU Grandma

My Grandma Jean is moving today, into a Nursing home. I have very mixed feelings about it, the most predominant of which is sadness. Not necessarily because I think its the wrong decision, but because there has to be a decision made at all. I wish there was a way for her to move in with one of her children, instead of into a facility. I know facilities can be okay.. I worked in one, and it wasn't awful; and I work for a therapy company that works in skilled nursing facilities. I believe that they can be good for people - but it feels a lot different when it becomes MY grandma, instead of someone else's.

Grandma Jeaner is one of my favorite people, and I know that she's not as healthy as she once was. I just feel like there should be a better solution. I hope no one ever has to decide to move me into a Nursing home, I hope that I will have another option.

But this post isn't about me, and the decision for her shouldn't be about anyone but her, and her life. So today I am hoping and praying that this is the right decision for her, and that it is a decision that no one - especially her - will regret. I want her to be happy.

While we were having dinner with her last night, I started to think about where I would like to be when I'm her age. In theory, we all want to have good health, and a stable financial situation. Unfortunately, those are two things my Grandma no longer has.

However, I wouldn't hesitate to call her successful. She has five children that love her, and try to make her life the best it can be. Every one of her children would buy her a mansion with twenty four hour nursing care, with a physical therapist and personal chef, if they could. She has twelve grandchildren, and two great grandchildren (and one on the way) that adore her. She spoiled us so much when we were little, and every one of us would give her the moon.

Our family is funny like that, we are very supportive when we really need to be. I remember hearing comments more than once about our emergency room attendance. If anyone in our family is in the hospital, we all rush to the hospital, to be there for each other. Some people have 2 or 3 people in the waiting room, no, we have fifteen.

My grandma has had a very successful life in things that count, if we could pour our love into buckets for her, she'd have enough for Noah's flood. I want to make her life as happy and beautiful as possible, and I pray that this decision will get us there.

I love you Grandma Jeaner, forever and ever.

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Wilde Wisdom

• Disobedience, in the eyes of anyone who has read history, is man's original virtue. It is through disobedience that progress has been made, through disobedience and through rebellion ~ Oscar Wilde
• I love that quote. I posted it on Facebook and Twitter yesterday, and some people loved it along with me. I love how you can share tiny things like that, with people from all across the world. Crazy. {now I just sound old}
• I have been off of work for 3 days. So nice. I wish I didn't have to go back today, although, at least I get to make money today. Right? And I'm working with Sue, and she's normal.. so we'll be good. Its so weird though. It'll be a lot of people's last days this weekend, and Lindsey's last day was yesterday. Its going to feel so empty with out her. Its nuts.
• I have been working out on the Wii fit since April 20th, so a little over a month. I have lost ten pounds. Yay! But I still have a long way to go. Ash & I started doing the Biggest Loser Bootcamp the other day. It was hard! But it was fun, to do it together. Its a 6 week program, with three levels. You do each level for 2 weeks, 3 to 4 times a week. So, that is what we are going to try and do.
• I am also going to do the Parkinson's Walk on June 27th in SugarHouse Park. My grandma has Parkinson's, and its an awful disease, so this way I can donate to the cause, and go out for a good long needed walk. Anyone want to join me? $15. Here's a link of Parkinson's walks around the country.
  
• I went to see my Advisor at school yesterday. That was exciting. I need to take the Math placement test, I'm going to take it on Monday, so I can study all weekend. We planned out my schedule, and it looks like I'm on track. I asked her about jobs & internships, and she didn't really give me much feedback, oh well. I'm not sure what I want to do anyway. I signed up for more classes after talking to her yesterday, because I need to take Abnormal Psych sooner than I thought. But I didn't drop anything. Which, will give me 20 credits. But with me not working very much.. maybe that is the best decision for now. Kick my butt at school, and just be poor.
  
• They're doing the International Rescue Committee tutoring thing again this Summer. I am for sure doing it this time, I'm going to tell my boss today. Its only 2 hours a week every Tuesday or Thursday. I can handle that. Right?

This picture is from 2001. I look so much smaller.. Motivation.
Plus, I miss those girls.

TGIF!
{even if I do work all weekend.. }

OH and Go Lakers!

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Truly Outrageous!

When I was very young my favorite cartoon character was JEM. I was obsessed. Many mornings I would go over to my Aunt Julie's house early early in the morning to be babysat. My dad would drop me off, get me all set up and comfy on my Grandma Jean's bed, and then I would watch the two episodes of JEM that were on every morning. I loved it! I was obsessed. My favorite wasn't Jerrica/JEM, but was Kimber. I also really liked Stormer, even though she was part of the Misfits (read: bad girl), I always felt like she didn't want to be bad, and it wasn't her fault that she had been born into an evil family with crazy sisters. haha.

Aja, Kimber, JEM, Shana

Stormer

Then, as most shows eventually do, JEM was canceled. A new TV show: Barbie, was introduced in JEM's time slot. Now, I was a true girly girl little kid, I loved Barbies, and by the end of my childhood, I had over 100 of them. But I hated this show! I had fits and freak outs every time Barbie came on instead of JEM. I wouldn't watch Barbie, just because it had taken my favorite show's place. Officially, this will be considered my very first protest.

I didn't really have a lot of JEM memorabilia, I did have an awesome Barbie set that I got the Christmas after I turned 5. It was awesome. It was like a Rock Band set. The attic in my fancy Barbie house served as the recording studio, I had a keyboard, guitars, microphone stands, it was the best! I think my fascination came from wanting to be JEM and the Holograms.

If I had a conversation with JEM I think I would have asked her how she was able to change clothes, for example when she morphed from JEM to Jerrica, I never understood where her clothes went, or where the new ones came from. Or was it all just a hologram? So she was really still wearing the same outfit, everyone just thought she was wearing something else. And, why didn't anyone ever notice that although JEM and Jerrica were supposed to be friends, Jerrica never came to the JEM and the Holograms concerts??

Part of the first episode..



This post was written from a Writing Prompt (see below) found on twentysomethingwriters.com. Y'all should check it out and join in!!

Digimon Dialogue - Writing Prompt

Who was your favorite cartoon character as a child? No holding back, admit it! Did you have a lot of collector’s items (stuffed animals, bed sheets, figurines, etc) of them? Are they worth any money currently?

Imagine you were able to meet your favorite cartoon character. How would you meet? (Maybe they came alive off of your bed-sheets!) What would you say? Write a brief (or extended) dialog between the two of you

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I LUV my Grandma

Tonight, after Ashley got off work we went over to visit with my Grandma Jean. She is doing a lot better, and has been home from the Nursing Home for a few weeks. I had the flu last week, so didn't get to spend a lot of time with her yet - the last thing she needed was to get the flu from me. But tonight.. she was hilarious. She was almost PUNCHY. Yes, my Grandma. Seemed. Punchy. She was giggly and telling stories about 500 pound chimpanzee, and Giraffes with purple tongues. She fed me Macadamia Nut chocolates, and then made me laugh so hard my stomach still hurts now.

I love my Grandma. Seeing her in that Nursing home made me sad, I hated going up there because I really didn't feel like she belonged there. I cried about it more than once. Yuck. But I am so excited that she is home now, and yes, she needs extra help, and yes she will for forever now, but it makes me really happy to see her in her own home, doing her own thing. I was also really excited tonight to see her so happy and giggly, she could be depressed and unhappy, having to go see so many doctors, and having nurses and physical and occupational therapists coming into her home all the time. But, she's not. She's the Giggly Crazy Grandma she's always been. I love you Grandma Jeaner.

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Dr Pepper is Heaven

I haven't written in awhile. At least, not really written with updates and information on my life; just with little tidbits and lists here and there. So, I thought on this Saturday morning I would start by babbling. Babbling is one of those things.. I do best ;) haha.

A week and a half ago or so, I went and saw KITE with Kim at the University of Utah. It was a very interesting film, and I really liked it. It focuses on life with an ever changing border - between Lebanon and Israel. They have a Middle East Center at the University, and they are sponsoring Middle Eastern films there, about once a week, that is open to the public for free. This is how we saw KITE. It was fun, I hope to do it again and go see another one of the films. They are also having discussions and workshops as well, there is one about Middle Eastern Women that I really want to go to. After the movie, Kim and I went to Lunaberry on 4th South. It was really good! I had never been there before, and Kim was right, the crepes are really good! And they have funky French music playing. I like it.


Right after seeing the film with Kim, I got sick. Yuck. My dad and I both had the flu, and Tim was sick too, but I'm not really sure if he really got what we had because he was only sick for a day or two. So yuckie. I still have the stupid cough and am really tired. I hate being sick. However, having so much "down time" and not wanting to go around and get everyone sick, it gave me a lot of time to read my books and really make a dent in my 50 book project. I managed to finish Anderson Cooper's Memoir, which I LOVED. It was really fun to kind of "get in his head" and see things from his point of view. I loved me some Anderson before, but now its even worse. I'm sure I'm driving my sister crazy with my "Yeah, and did you know.. ?" comments of random Anderson Cooper trivia. Oh well.
I also read Veil of Roses, by Laura Fitgerald; and The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kid. I enjoyed both books. Quite a lot. Veil of Roses is about an Iranian girl that has escaped having an arranged marriage so far by going to University in Tehran, but now she is done with her studies, and will need to get married soon. Her parents are able to get her a passport and one-way ticket to visit her married sister in Arizona. She has three months to find a husband, and get married, so that she never has to go back to the oppressive "Revolutionized" Iran. It was more of a fun read then a cultural one, but I did enjoy seeing Victoria Secret and Starbucks through the eyes of Tamila in the book.

The Secret Life of Bees.. I loved! It was so good! I really need to go rent the movie now that I have read it. The story is really good, it's during the 1960 Civil Rights movement in South Carolina. I really liked it, it was one of those feel good, southern books. Almost reminded me of Fried Green Tomatoes.

Being sick also kept me from going to my first day of Tutoring with The IRC, which is a bummer. But I am excited for this week! We are going to have a Valentine's Day themed party, and teach the kids about collages. I am excited. I wonder if I can take pictures of the kids. Hmmm.

I don't talk about my Daddy very much. BUT I do have to mention that my daddy loves me. Haha. A couple of days ago my dad was going to go pick my brother up something to eat at KFC. He asked me if I wanted anything and I asked for chicken fingers; and then I was like "OOOH! I want a fountain drink! Will you get me a Dr Pepper?" (anyone who knows me.. knows I love me some fountain drinks! They are so MUCH better than from the can or bottle!). Anyway, so my dad said yeah he'd get me the drink and went on his way. When he came home he had two drinks in his hand, one from KFC, and one from the gas station. They didn't have Dr Pepper at KFC and he had gone to the gas station to get me a Dr Pepper fountain drink! How nice is that?! I love my daddy.

In other news, my Grandma Jean is home! I am so excited. I haven't seen her yet, or much really this week, I didn't want to get her sick so I stayed away! My whole family has been pretty sick with different things, (my mom had a bad bout of asthma too), so we haven't really visited much. I think my extended family is mad at us for this, but I would really rather not see Grandma and have her not get sick and them mad at me, than the other way around!! My Uncle and his wife.. ~ sigh ~ BUT that's not the point, family drama will always be just that: drama. But my Grandma is home now and that just makes me so much happier. I HATED seeing her in the Nursing Home. It made me sad every time. She didn't belong there. Sure she has some problems, and needs a lot of assistance right now, but she's still very much there "upstairs."

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Grandma Update

My Grandma is doing much better, she's been laughing and giggly ever since she had the Angiogram. I think the fact that it came back okay really gave her a big sense of relief. Thanks to all your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate it. She is still in the hospital, but should be leaving IHC to go to Health south for rehabilitation with all of her muscle damage. She also has Parkinson's, and has trouble walking. So, we are hoping that they'll be able to teach her some new things at Health south so that she will do better with that. She's only going to stay there for a few weeks, it all just depends on how well she progresses and improves. My Grandma is pretty stubborn, and she says that she is determined to only stay there for 2 weeks AT THE MOST. So that's good. I am glad she is so determined.

After Health south, we are unsure what will happen. I don't know if she really can go back to living in her Condo alone. So, more changes might be on the way. Whether that means her living with one of us, or us putting together a schedule where she's never really alone for very long, I don't know. One step at a time. Right?

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Grandma Jeaner

2009 hasn't started off too wonderfully. My Grandma Jean was taken to the ER on New Years night, because she had fallen and had been on the ground for at least 6 hours. :( We now know she had a heart attack, and she is in getting an Angiogram as I type this. I hope that everything goes okay, and that they can fix any problems they find. AND that her Kidneys will be strong enough to flush out the dye after the procedure.

I have one request, if you're reading this you obviously know me.. so could you just say a quick prayer for my Grandma? I would greatly appreciate it.

She doesn't like her picture taken.. but here's a few recent ones. I love this Crazy Lady!

Summer 2008 - Doesn't like her picture taken.. but we took it anyway!

Halloween 2008 - everyone, including Grandma tried on Tim's Hippy wig!! She thought it was hilarious.

Christmas Day 2008

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The soul cannot think without a picture ~ Aristotle

Mosaic of Sep & Oct 2008



I had so much fun making a mosaic a few months ago.. I decided to make a Mosaic of pictures from September and October of this year. Yahoo. To make your own click here.

PS: Did you vote yet?

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