I miss it.

I'm sure many of you remember when my Grandma was in the Hospital. She's okay now, she doesn't love her new facility, and I hope we can get that figured out. But this blog post isn't about her... but in some ways, it also concerns her 100%.

When she was in the Hospital, some ugly stuff went down. Some stuff that I am not proud of, some stuff that if I met a genie, one of my three wishes would be to erase that awful memory for everyone concerned. You see, as I wrote here, everyone in my family loves my Grandma. We would all do anything for her. However, in the kind of big family we have, not everyone agrees on everything.

As for what went down at the Hospital, everyone got in an argument. A big, heated, passionate, lots of f-words thrown around... Argument. The kind of argument that cannot just be taken back, and the kind of argument that shouldn't be ignored. I don't want to get into the he-saids and she-saids of the argument that happened in June. What I do want to get into is how sad it makes me feel that I haven't spoken to any of those people since that day. I haven't spoken to those people that I love, people that are part of my family.. and are part of me.

In our family, there has always been some interesting family dynamics. Some of my dad's siblings are closer to each other than others, and slowly, over the last 5 or so years there have been "battle lines" kind of drawn. Which is HORRIBLE, and I hate it. But I really just kind of accepted it as it was.. but why? I hate that I accepted it. I hate that we all accepted it. And I don't want to accept it anymore.

Before my Grandma was taken to the Hospital in June, I felt like we were making progress. I felt like we were getting to know each other again, and that the walls were slowly coming down. Now everyone has built fortresses around themselves, and I'm not sure any of us will ever be able to cross over, and make it better again. The worst part of it all is that it is affecting my Grandma. My Grandma is not getting the visits, phone calls, and attention that she deserves because of the drama that is ensuing. This hurts me the most. You can hate me, you can hate my dad, my family, whatever; but when you don't pay attention to your mom/grandma because of something she had no control over, I cannot stand it.

I was watching CNN the other day and I saw a story about a brother that donated a piece of his liver to his brother. He gave it willingly, and without question. They interviewed him before hand, and he was adamant that him and his brother were going to be friends forever, and go on living because of this gift that he was giving him. He was giving his brother the gift of life. The brother that donated passed away. He DIED so his brother could LIVE. The story in itself, made me sad, how awful is that?

But as I watched it.. I thought about my family. I would give my liver, kidney, whatever to anyone in my family. I would give it to the people that are not talking to me, willingly. I wouldn't want anything in return. I would just want them to continue living, because they lead happy fulfilling lives, and their families count on them, and most of all.. Because I LOVE them. And, call me stupid or naive, but I believe that if I were in the same situation, they would do the same for me. 100%.

So, if we would risk our own lives for each other, why can't we even speak? I know it's not simple, and I know that it can't be fixed in one day... but I miss my family. I miss my aunts and uncles, my cousins, I miss the laughs and the stories. Some of my very favorite memories involve these people. My uncle making cheese eggs, and listening to "Check Yes or No" on repeat, watching soap operas and Bon Jovi with super buttery popcorn with my aunt.. Hanging out with my cousins on my Grandma's tramp.. or searching for "snipes" for my uncle.  And the best of all, Breakfasts in the Canyons, Fourth of July Breakfasts, and Grandma passing mints around at Christmas. I miss it.

One of my friends even said to me, that I was LUCKY that we were having this kind of problem. She said that if we didn't care.. we wouldn't have such arguments.

We've all made mistakes. We all need to apologize. And, we all need to forgive. I just hope we can make it back to each other before my Grandma leaves this Earth. And I pray I'm not the only one that thinks all the work will be worth it.

Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted.

                       ~Paul Pearshall

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